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Am I a Lesbian?
What is Compulsory Heterosexuality?
How do I know if Iâm a lesbian?
But I like fictional men/male celebrities..
But I think Iâve Liked men before?
Conflicting Feelings About Men
Signs of Compulsory Heterosexuality
âAttractionâ to men
Relationships with men
Sex and Intimacy with men
Early interest in women
The âstraightâ version of you
Exploring attraction to women
Gender Feelings
Considering lesbianism
Attraction VS. Compulsory Heterosexuality
Nervousness and Blushing
Hypothetical Attraction
Sexual Fantasies
You might be a lesbian if TL;DR
Conclusion
What is Compulsory Heterosexuality?
âCompulsoryâ is the opposite of âoptionalâ. âCompulsory heterosexualityâ is exactly what it sounds like - being straight is something our culture tries to force on us.
It affects people of every gender, but itâs mostly been studied as something that affects women. This is because compulsory heterosexuality easily ties in with the misogyny that causes womenâs sexualities and even identities to be defined by our relationships with men.
Women are taught from a very early age that making men happy is our job. Weâre supposed to be pretty for men, weâre supposed to change the way we talk so men will take us more seriously, weâre supposed to want a manâs love more than anything else. Our magazines are full of sex tips on how to better please men, our movies are about how weâre supposed to fall in love with men. We literally cannot exist in public without men loudly grading us on how well weâre pleasing them visually.
So⌠what happens if you want to be with women? What happens if youâre not attracted to men at all? When youâre trained from childhood to see romantic/sexual relationships with men - and only men - as major life goals, how do you separate that from what you want?
Compulsory heterosexuality is the voice in my head that says I must really be het even when Iâm in love with a woman. Compulsory heterosexuality is what forces lesbians to struggle through learning the difference between what youâve been taught you want (being with men) and what you do want (being with women), which is why so many lesbians have dated men at some point.
Compulsory heterosexuality is very similar to heteronormativity - the assumption that straight is the default. Weâre trained from birth to believe that we will find someone of the other binary gender, fall in love, have sex, etc. In a million tiny ways weâre taught that only relationships with the other binary gender are valid. (And if youâre not one of the binary genders, this can be even more confusing.)
Compulsory heterosexuality is built into you from the moment youâre born into this time and place, and it takes a long time to dismantle it.
How do I know if Iâm a lesbian?
If youâre questioning if youâre a lesbian, it's way more important to ask yourself if you can be truthfully happy with a man than if youâre attracted to them. Ask yourself if you can have healthy fulfilling relationships with men and actually wanna be with them. You can be attracted to men or not know if you are because of compulsory heterosexuality and it doesn't mean you want to be with them. Attraction is supposed to feel good. If being in relationships with men isnât appealing to you, if you canât truly see yourself ending up happy in relationships with men, or if your attraction to men makes you uncomfortable, you may be a lesbian. Lesbian isnât a dirty word and being a lesbian is beautiful.
Many lesbians STILL struggle with compulsory heterosexuality even when they know they donât want men. If you love women but feel fake about it, just remember that those feelings are the product of a patriarchal society which has conditioned you to believe the false idea that you are defined by your ties to men. this can be really difficult to remember at times, and it might take you a while before you can fully love women without feeling like youâre somehow âwrongâ, but just know that there are a million other women who are in the same boat as you are, meaning that this is a problem with society and not with you.
But I like fictional men/male celebrities..
Lesbians are allowed to like male celebrities and fictional characters. itâs usually a symptom of compulsory heterosexualityâmale celebrities/fictional characters are completely unobtainable crushes and thus it allows the lesbian in question to distance themselves from men. Because itâs impossible to ever be with that person, they get to avoid the romance and intimacy, which is usually something that girls can recognize that they donât want with men but canât exactly place why or what it means. Even if the attraction to male celebrities/fictional characters is NOT an effect of compulsory heterosexuality (which would be really hard to figure out), itâs not fair that straight women can have âgirl crushesâ and straight men can have âman crushesâ without anyone telling them they canât be/arenât straight anymore, so the reverse should not be applied to lesbians.
But I think Iâve Liked men before?
You can identify as a lesbian if youâve liked men in the past but no longer are attracted to men or want to pursue relationships with them. lots of lesbians have dated or had genuine relationships with men before realizing they were lesbians, and that doesnât make them any less of a lesbian. If you donât care about men or would no longer like to me with them, you can be a lesbian now. Itâs a ânowâ identity - it matters how you feel now! youâre not interested in men, so you can ID as lesbian regardless of how youâve felt in the past. if you ID as lesbian now, and then meet a man and fall for him, it would be wrong to call yourself a lesbian but having a relationship with a man in the past doesnât mean you canât be a lesbian now.
Many lesbians have previously liked men at some point in their lives before realizing they are lesbians. Now a common misconception is also that everyone is born knowing they are gay and thatâs not necessarily true. It can be because of both nature AND nurture. If you have had terrible experiences with men and now would like to no longer date them because you donât see yourself being truly happy with a man and would only like to date women, you can be a lesbian too. Itâs okay to try on the lesbian identity and see how it fits you because many lesbians were unsure of how they felt about men until they identified as lesbians. This helped them realize how much of what they felt for men was actually compulsory heterosexuality over time.
If you think you feel attraction towards men but donât want to date or be with them and instead want to date and be with women, then you CAN be a lesbian. Lesbian doesnât need to mean âonly experiences attraction to womenâ, it can mean âonly feels comfortable, only prefers, and only prioritizes women & relationships with themâ. Many lesbians have found out this way that their âattractionâ to men was in fact compulsory heterosexuality.
Attraction is super complicated. Itâs possible to recognize a man IS attractive but not be attracted TO him. Attraction is often coerced by societal conditioning and some lesbians have hypothetical attraction to men due to compulsory heterosexuality. But we donât want to actually date or have sex with a man ever. Allowing people to identify based on where they are willing to put their romantic and sexual energy is more powerful and gives people agency.
Conflicting Feelings About Men
You can really, genuinely have warm, positive, strong feelings towards men and they can still be compulsory heterosexuality. Compulsory heterosexuality is the assumption that any feelings that you have towards a man MUST be attraction because society talks all the time about hetero love and attraction so when you feel something towards a man you think âoh, this must be what itâs likeâ. Then as part of âdiscovering your sexualityâ you try to find ways that you find men attractive. You think âiâm not attracted to physical appearance, only personalitiesâ or âi only like feminine menâ or you find ways to make yourself aroused by men by imagining them in all kinds of unusual scenarios until you hit one that appeals to you
Then when you canât follow through with this âattractionâ in real life scenarios when you have a chance to have a romantic/sexual relationship with a man you assume thatâs itâs some broken part of you thatâs stopping you, or some quirk of your personality, or a circumstance of your life (âi have high standardsâ or âi only like older menâ or âi have some incredibly obscure made-up sexuality where i only like men until they like me backâ), and you explain away why youâre unable to find an attainable man in real life who youâre attracted to.
This is something thatâs really difficult to recognise because in the process of figuring out your sexuality you question how you feel and you come back with âwell i definitely have strong feelings for menâ and assume youâre straight or bisexual. But another important thing to question is âhave i correctly labelled and understood what this feeling is and am i certain that itâs actually attractionâ
Society puts so much emphasis on the importance and intensity of heterosexual love and attraction that itâs important to actively remind yourself that itâs possible to love someone and have a deep interest in them without having romantic or sexual feelings towards them (especially if that love comes along with another intense interest, like your feelings towards a fictional man in a tv show you love).
Signs of Compulsory Heterosexuality
If you relate to or identify with a lot of these things, Iâd say itâs worth an investigation into why so many of these things resonate with you. Is it because you have a specific taste in men or because society has conditioned you to want this? Is it because you have bad experiences with men related to trauma or because these kinds of desires have been i